I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
