I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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