so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
