I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
