hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
