I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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