Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
