I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
