it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
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