Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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