And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I am available for nakedness
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
