I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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