she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
