Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize