I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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