He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
