when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
