i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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