I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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