Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
