I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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