I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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