Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Randomize
