dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
