i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
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In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
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You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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