He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
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