I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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