There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
My bed smells like the plague
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
