hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
