my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
where are you?
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
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i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
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They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.