Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
