I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
