This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
