the day after is always just damage control
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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