I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
