FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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