Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
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Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
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An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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