a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
