I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
