I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
