just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
