i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Someone signed my nipple.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
