i just wanna soil my oats bro
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
