I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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