she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
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