I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
