The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
