Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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