someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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