Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
