I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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