I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
