i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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