I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
