i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
