Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Randomize
