Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
