The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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