he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
