some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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