Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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