So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
