it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
